Starting the new year off right

I've been thinking a lot lately about all the changes I wanted make in my life or if I should just keep on doing the same old thing.  I know it's the old resolution thing that for whatever reason always gets brought up around this time of year.  Making promises that usually end up broken.  Well I decided to give it a shot this year and tackle one really tough thing that I have been battling for a long time.  Chewing tobacco.  Yep, I chew tobacco or used to - for those that don't know me as well as they think they do, I've done it for a long time.  Since I was 17 pretty much non stop.  I really got bad going to school in South Dakota - even the women chew tobaccy in SD. I'm not really sure why I picked this winter to try, maybe it's all the people I've met and found out had cancer in the last year.  Maybe it's just that I'm sick of being a slave to another habit.  If you haven't read far enough back in my blog or between the lines I happen to also be an addict in recovery.  Just got four years yesterday as a matter of fact!

I am also struggling with a sugar/cola drink addiction which seems to be getting the better of me these days.  I am by no means perfect and think that's probably enough self-degrading talk here.  Bottom line here is that something in my finally got sick of life the way it is and needs change.  I wish there was some way I could harness this feeling and pass it on to others who should change their lives or at least be able to explain it to give someone the motivation to follow through with their own changes.  For me it has been the consciousness of all that goes on around me that I have been waking up to.  The awareness of being a hypocrite is something that I can only deal with for so long.  It's tough to tell people while trying to be a good health professional that they need to loose weight, quit smoking or do things if I can't do things myself.  It's why I wouldn't trust a skinny chef or a fat doctor.

Now I'm no angel unlike my youngest boy, but I am starting to understand that I can do a lot better than I have been doing.  What I am starting to realize though is that the vast majority of change only comes about through pain.  If you tell me that I can't or shouldn't do something it will only make me want to try harder do it.  Why I started chewing tobacco, smoking, drinking, eating too much or whatever bad habit you want to name is not as important as, neither is how it got out of control.   Why wasn't I able to stop until I had something bad happen?  It's simple - I wanted to stop all along but it was more easy to continue doing what I was doing than changing.  It was the actual change, the fear of what would or wouldn't happen when I finally did change. The pain that I ended up suffering due to my choices was the only way I could change because the only way to stop the pain was to change what I was doing.  So no pain, no gain.

So now looking back at my life at the way things played out I can see that there are things like chewing tobacco that are likely to be sources of new pain that I have no desire to endure and I can (hopefully) make the change I need to in order to avoid that pain.  So here I am at the start of something new.

So like Pumpkin my dog here, things can seem a little crazy at times, like waking up to find a snow drift in front of the door.  But it's just snow she's a dog that loves snow, it's hard to describe how much a St. Bernard

loves snow, you just have to witness a dog who while you are shivering is tearing around and bouncing like a rubber ball.  She loves the change that winter brings - mainly because she spends the whole fall growing hair to get ready for it.

This picture would seem unrelated to the topic at hand here, but I think it is a good way to end.  I took this two morning ago.  At the time it was -32 F, there wasn't much wind and I only walked about 100 yards or so to get it.  By the time I got back in the house my hands were completely numb.  This is a sunrise, which I don't usually take the time or am up early enough to take pictures of.  What I see though is the start of a new day, a new year and the very start of the growing/farming season.  Like the dog the earth doesn't just start growing green things in April and May, the preparation starts long before the first bud pops open or green shoot comes from the ground.  It starts at the time of the year when the days are the shortest, the nights are the coldest and when nothing at all would seem to be happening.  The pain of the cold, snow and dark give the earth a chance to rest and as the days get longer it gets ready to spring back into life.

Coming to understand myself in a similar way is helpful, knowing that the end of something is always the start of something new makes changing easier.  Not all the change in my life is going to come about the way an animal grows it's winter coat or the way the earth prepares to spring back to life, but I know that it can happen that way if I prepare.

I wish all of you Farmer Dan reader's a Happy 2010!